Adoption

We have decided to adopt! We began the process last week by deciding to adopt and researching adoption agencies. We have it narrowed down to three. Either Catholic Charities (through the Youngstown Dioceses), Caring for Kids, Inc. (in Cuyahoga Falls) and also Bellefaire JBC (in Shaker Heights).

Besides that I have also decided to go back to school to finish my undergrad degree. I think I am going to go to Hiram College.

The only thing we have to left to do is find an apartment for spring!

More later!!

Blah of a week...

Oh, where to begin??

Well the week started out as a waiting peroid. Waiting for AF to come, she never came. So then I had to go to the RE, and they did an u/s...not pregnant. Ok fine, but then Sam wants to wait for a month or two to try again. More waiting...GRRR I am really starting to hate the whole waiting game. Waiting to have a baby, waiting to TTC, waiting to test...just plain waiting.

Then what makes matters worse?? How many people are pregnant around me. Moms at school, co-workers at school, both of Sam's cousins, my cousin, one of the people in chior, friends. It seems like everyone except me is pregnant.

I really can't wait to see my therapist this week, 2 more days!!!

Enteries from my old blog...

Saturday, 19 April 2008
Cleaning Day
Today was a day full of cleaning, laundrying, arting, spending time with Brandon and Kerri, sleeping, etc. It was a very productive day!



Friday, 18 April 2008
Today
Today was a better day. Still sad and upset, and still hurt quite a bit, but getting better. Jodie and I went to Patcatans to buy some craft stuff to get my mind off the loss of the baby. Sam said that we can try again as soon as the doctor oks it!! Besides that not too much happened today. At school the state lady came and visited, and we did well! After school, we went over to Stow to spend sometime with Jodie, BJ and the kids. We went to ElCapacino for dinner....exellent mexican!!! More later...



Thursday, 17 April 2008
Horrible day...
Last night, Sam took me to the ER...I lost the baby . That's about all .......

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!



Monday, 22 October 2007
Today is Monday....
So far the day has gone well....finished the laundry, put the dishes away, vaccumed the floor, came to class, and going to the dentist. Trying to get alot done on my day off work...so far so good! All I need to finish now are the thank you notes from the wedding!!!!

Last night we went to the Judd's for dinner and smores! Saturday I didn't have class and we went to Daffan's....what a great weekend!!

Wow where has the time gone??

This is a picture of our furbabies Annabella and Gandalf!

There is so much to catch you all up on...but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I have more energy!

SORRY!!!!!

Sorry I have not posted in forever!!! So much has gone on :(.....I will fill you in more later!

Crazyness

Ok so since the last time I posted, life has been a bit crazy. Mostly that has just been the last 24 hours.....So I worked 8 hours yesterday at Acme, cashiering. The day went by fairly quickly, and life was going well. I got to train one of our new cashiers, which I really enjoy doing, I had a few customers complain about this or that, and I also had many praises about my work. All in all a fairly good, average day. That was until I was driving home to Sam's house. A lady honked at me, and I assumed that I was sitting through a green light, as I typically have been caught doing. Ok, so I decided that the honk ment that I needed to go, and i took my foot off the clutch, and pushed on the accelorator to go...and as luck would have it, I hit the girl's car in front of mine. So we go through the intersection, and pull over. It turns out that the girl is test driving the car from a dealership...I am feeling terrible at this point in time ;(. We end up calling the police....one one teny tiny scratch to her car, and my hood and grill are not so spectacular on silver streak.... :(. That's how life is isn't it. So I was not too terribly sore while at the scene of the accident....but I am terribly sore today, where the seatbealt pulled across my shoulder, chest, and abdomen. I also pushed on the break really hard and my ankel and hip are kinda sore as well today. So, Sam and I both work today, luckily, but he had to be at work at 11, while I don't have to be there until 5....of course...so I am sitting in the Husdson Library's cafe, sipping some steamer with caramel and banana flavoring, posting this and searching for a job for Sam. Luckily he is so understand and caring that he is willing to give up his evening with the boys to wait for me to finish work.
So besides this minor inconvienece in our lives, things have been up and down recently. I have been taking my Zoloft religously each night at 9pm. But I still have really depressing days and then some that are still depressing, but better. I found out from Aaron on Tuesday that Wendy is pregnant. That really made me get depressed. It just dosen't seem fair that people my age are having families of their own and I have miscarried two pregnancies so far. But Aaron and Sam tried to make me feel better, which was really nice of them to do. We went to Gander Mountain in Twinsburg for a while, and then out to eat at the Manderian Restruant next door. That was fun, then we also went over to Ryan's house and went fishing for a while in the row boat on the lake. That was fun, until I got a migrane and we headed home. I hate these migranes!!!! I can't stand having them any more!!! They are soo inconvienent. All I want to do is ball up in bed and die.
Oh, on a brighter note, my grandma sent me pictures of my wedding dress when we went dress shopping a while ago!!! I will try to post one or two later!!
Well, I would love to post more, but I should job search for Sam for a bit...I also want to finish Marley & Me!

Good Weekend!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and well. I know I have not posted in a while, but that is because I spent the weekend in Michigan for a bridal shower. We (Amy and I) had a fantastic time!! We had a delicious dinner at a local Chineese resturant, which as fun and exciting!! The wedding shower was beautiful. And we got to ride on a pontoon boat! We had to come back last night because I had to work today :(. I can't wait to go to the wedding in September. After work today we went to Walmart and I got some beads and what not to make a special braclet...in memory of my two miscarriages. Well, I might lay down and go to bed soon. More later...

Another Depressing Day

Sam and I went to look for Fester and Mr. Adventurer this morning, with no luck. The little guys more than likely did not make it through the night :(. Besides that not too much happened today...just work. More later...

Heartless People

Heartless people make me so angry!!! The kittens that we left are not doing well. We did find two of them (Runt and Yapper), but we could not find the other two (Fester and Mr. Adventurer). I can't understand why anyone would leave four eight week old kittens in a dive. Oh well. It is sad that they have maggots in their skin. I hope then end up ok! I cried when we took Runt and Yapper to the APL this morning. So did the ladies that worked there. It is just so sad that someone could allow that to helpless animals. Sam and I are going to look for Fester and Mr. Adventurer tomrrow morning. Maybe they were scared and hiding today...I hope so!! More later!!!

Intersting Day

So a breif update from the last time I posted....
Work on Saturday was extreamly slow. When I got back, Casper (my almost 6 month old cat) and I went for a walk. Yes, I am one of those weird people that put their cat on a harnest and go for walks/runs....come on you must have guessed that if you know me ;)! Since I have been staying with Sam, this time Casper and I went down Hankee Road...yes in the middle of the country. There was even one truck that passed us, then stopped and watched. You would have thought these country folk had never seen a person walk a cat before. Besides that yesterday was fairly average.
Then today, Sam did an oil change on their van. When he took the oil over to their seperator, he found four adorable little kitties. They are not more than 8 weeks old. Someone actually just dropped off these kittens in a random place. So we took a box to go and resue them. It was super exciting....until we got them back to the house and saw they were infested with creepy crawly critters. So we are going to take them to the APL in the morning. We have a feeling they will have to be put to sleep because of the infestation. They also have flees and ear mites. I can't understand why someone would just drop these poor little kittens off to fend for themselves. :(
Today I also went to church and work. After work, I met Sam and Aaron at Ryan's house. They had been fishing for several hours and I joined the fun in the row boat. It was great times!!
Well, got to go....more later!

Blah Day

Yesterday was just a blah day. I just didn't feel much of anything. I wasn't upset about anything in particular.....just not feeling like talking much.
Last night I had some nightmares....therfore did not sleep very well. I relived several instances of being rapped. I thought if I could have just said no I could have stopped it. But how can a five year old say no to a late twentyish guy?? I hate everything about being rapped the feeling, the confusion of what was happening, the guy, and that it happened in genral. Most people do not know that I went though that. As I contemplated going through that along with everything else of my childhood, I am super supprised that I am still here.
Last night I also had several nightmares about miscarring. I relived the two that I had, but also had dreams about miscarring again. Let's just say that I did not sleep well last night.
More later!

A Few Pics

I thought I would post a few fun pictures of myself!



This one is of Sam and I dancing at Ryan and Susan's wedding!



Courtney took a picture of me at a resturant in Dover, Ohio



Sam and I took a moment and took a picture while bowling with Brandon and Kerri!

Abnormalcy

Ok so as most of you may know I enjoy creating new words....abnormalcy is one of them. As I went to sleep last night I was very hot because of the heat wave we are having. I had taken a cold shower, put my hair up and laid down with Sam on an air mattress in his parent's livingroom with two fans on us. At one in the morning, I woke up shivering. So I went and grabed a blanket from the closet.....A BLANKET!!! Who in their right mind would grab a blanket when it is 80 degrees outside?? Well that's me and that is why my life is abnormal and I live in a state of abnormalcy.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept thinking about a customer that came into the pharmacy. He was a soilder who just came back from Iraq. He was telling me about his life since he has returned to the states. He has nightmares, and gets spooked easily. When he hears a loud noise he dives behind the couch, bed, car, whatever is close. I thought about how I thought my life is hard and difficult at times. Then I thought about how it would be to fight in a war that half of Americans beleive we should not be and not be supported by those people. No I don't beleive we should be in Iraq, but I do support the troops that are there. They are serving our country. When they return home, we should paise them for what they have done and help them return to the life they knew before going to war on the other side of the world. These are just my thoughts and beleifs.
I also thought about how depression has seemed to rule my life recently. On my days I off from work I just want to lie around and do nothing. I don't feel like interacting with other people, I just want to sleep all day. When I get like this I think about what my life could be like right now and that does not help the depression. I think about the fact that I could have a 10 month old little girl to take care of. I would also be 7 months pregnant with our other child. I think about what I would be like as a mother. I think about how mine and Sam's life would be vastly diffrent. I am ok with how things have turned out (some say for the better), but it breaks my heart to think I has two small human being growing inside of me, but were taken away so soon. I think about the pain the miscarriages brought to myself and to Sam. He is affected by them, just not in the same was as I was. He is disappointed and upset that it happened and that I went though all the pain. He tells me that we will have children, at some point....one way or another....when we are ready.
I guess I am abnormal in the fact that I think about really random things while I am attempting to fall asleep during my sleepless nights. I thought about how I thought my life has been difficult...which in some respects it has been...but then I think of all the things I have and what others are going through. Let me tell you that gives you perspective. Yes, I have depression and I have miscarried two babies, but I also have alot more than other people have. I also don't have the difficulties that some peole have. For example, I have a finace who loves me and will do anything for me, who loves me even though I have miscarried twice, and even though I had a very diffrent childhood than he had. I am also greatful that I have a family that loves and supports me. Granted my mom and I are not talking, but I still have tons of family members that care and love me no matter what. I have a place to live, food to eat, a car to drive and a job to work. Many people do not have one or more of these. That makes my life worth living. I know I get depressed about my life...but I really truely do have things to be greatful for. I also know that there are people fighting diffrent diseases, such as cancer, that do not know when their last day will be. I understand that none of us know at what moment in time we will take our last breath, but imagine a doctor telling you how long you have left to do all of the things you have always wanted to do. One of my friends from childhood, Nicole, is fighting a rare cancer, but she is optomistic. She believes she can beat it. Her moto is "Either way I win!" How amazing is that! She has tried several diffrent treatments and is optomistic through it all. I beleive there is a lot I can learn from her.
On that note, I think I am going to start my day and see what lies a head in this adventure we call life. More later. And remeber there are always people who have it worse off than you do! Be thankful for what you have been given!!!

Better Day

Today was a much better day. That may be due to the fact that I have taken my Zoloft for the first time in two days last night before bed. Although I don't recommend taking three days doses all in the same day. I got really drowsy and slept the afternoon away after taking two doses at once. Oh well...as they say you live and learn. Besides that not too much happening. Last night we (Sam, Aaron and I) went out to eat at the Olive Garden for dinner once I woke up from my several hour drug induced sleep. After we got back to my house the boys went catfishing while I slept. This morning Sam and I went to Chapel Hill and to see Aaron at Pet Supply Plus. Then I came to work and that's about it. More later!!

Contemplation

I am staring this blog as a way to vent, think about my life, share with family and friends what I am going through, keeping people updated about my life, etc. I have done journaling for years, this is a new way for other people to see the world through my eyes, even just for a moment......You may or may not agree or understand what I express here, I realize that and am OK with that. I realize that everyone sees the world diffrently along with events that happen....but this is my take on life and the world.....Enjoy!!

As I lay here in bed, much like any other day I have had off recently, I am reviewing what all I have gone through and have to overcome in the last year and a half. From my mom and I not speaking to transfering to Kent State from Ohio Northern University to getting engaged to being diagnosed with depression. I have been through an enourmous amount of psychological events that I have had to endure.
Momma McCoy has told me on several diffrent occasions that "life is not what you thought it would be at sixteen, it is better and it is worse!"...isn't that the truth!!!
If someone had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up at the age of five, ten, sixteen, eighteen, and twenty-three years old, the answers would all have been diffrent. At five, I wanted to be a nurse; at ten I wanted to be a teacher; at sixteen I wanted to be a doctor; at eighteen I started my college career as a pharmacy student. Now at the age of twenty-three and a half years old I am embarking on my student teaching semester in Health Education. I am graduating in December with my teaching licesure. However, even at twenty-three, I am still not quiet sure what life has instore for me....I am planning on attending Kent State for Graduate school obtaining my Master's degree in Special Education Mild/Moderate. I guess my philosophy is no one truely knows what they want to do for the rest of their lives at any stage of the game.
As far as events that have occured in my life there is so much I have overcame, yet I know there is still so much left to encounter in the future!!

A breif look at my life thus far:
~I was born Feburary 21st, 1983 in Akron, Ohio.
~I started my schooling carrer at Hemminger Elementary School in the fall of 1988, part of the Kenmore cluster of schools in the Akron Public School District.
~Transfered to Norton Intermediate School, part of the Norton City Schools, for third grade in the fall of 1993.
~My parents got a divorce when I was in the third grade, nine years old.
~After a year at Norton, we (my mom, sister and I) moved to Wadsworth.
~I attended Isham Elementary, part of the Wadsworth City Schools in the fall of 1994 for the fourth grade.
~My mom remarried July 2nd, 1994. I now had a step-dad, who we call Eric.
~We moved again before the end of the school year to another house on the other side of Wadsworth.
~That summer we moved to North Royalton where I attended the fifth grade in the fall of 1995.
~We only spent a year in North Royalton before moving to Woodmere, part of the Orange City Schools. I started my sixth grade year at Brady Middle School in the fall of 1996. This was the place we spent the most time living during my childhood. Although we did move to another apartment building down the street before my eight grade year. This time was diffrent than the other moves because we attended the same school district. The only diffrence was my eight grade year I attended Orange High School (eight grade at the time was in the high school at Orange).
~The summer of 1999, we moved again, this time to Shalersville. Courtney and I attend Crestwood High School in Mantua. This is where Sam and I met! We spent the last two years of high school here.
~June 9th, 2001 I graduated from Crestwood High School!!
~The day after labor day in September 2001 I ventured off to Ada, Ohio to attend Ohio Northern University for pharmacy. By the spring quarter of my freshman year I changed my major to Health and Physical Eudcation. I spent the next four years there. I met my best friend Sean there! I watched my friends graduate and move on to their life after college. I also had the pleasure of watching my little sister graduate this past spring (May 2005) from ONU!
~I miscarried my first child, a little girl, 21 weeks into my pregnancy. Sam and I later decided to name her Lillian Renee.
~I moved back "home" to Streetsboro July 2005. I transfered to Kent State University to major in Health Education.
~I had sugery after a cyst ruptured on my left ovary December 8th at Robinson Memorial Hospital in Ravenna.
~I lose my job at the UPS store in Pepper Pike.
~December 2005 I moved in to my dad's house in Portage Lakes.
~March 2006 I start my new job, at Acme #4 in Hudson. I am a cashier and pharmancy technician (funny how life goes...start school in pharmancy, change majors to education and still end up working in a pharmacy....)
~March 2006 I miscarry my second child, this time at 9 weeks into my pregnancy.
~Mid April 2006 I am diagnosed with depression.
~April 29th, 2006 I am hospitilized for a week with a migraine.
~July 27th, 2006 I have my second migraine that I go to the emergency room for this time I went to Akron General Hospital. This time they do not admit me. But for the first time in my life I can say I was in a rubber room ;).

I realize that other people have major events that happen in their lives that make them who they are today. I am a total belevier in events that you overcome in life make you a stonger person and determine what type of person you are!

I think that might be enough information for now. Some of you out there may be truely overwhelmed....but that's my life. I am proud of who I am and who I have become dispite, or inspite of what I have gone through! Some people may not agree, and that is their choice, but I am not going back and can not go back to the person I was at two. Who would want to? Life events create you. You can not change the past, you can only manipulate your future...hopefully for the positive!